Friday, 1 January 2010

"Like Wilson, Keppel and Betty"

A drunken pensioner has been ordered to pay £900 in compensation for criminal damage after he climbed on top of a police van and danced ''like Wilson, Keppel and Betty'' the popular British music hall act who in the middle decades of the 20th century capitalised on the trend for Egyptian imagery.
Mr. Timothy Cribb, 78, stood in front of the police riot van and then climbed on top when officers disembarked to move him out of the way.
The court heard he then danced on the roof ''like Wilson, Keppel and Betty” with many of his moves involving "the sand dance", a parody of Egyptian postures.
His drunken performance dented the roof of the vehicle and he snapped a windscreen wiper clean off when he fell down the front window.
Mr. Cribb, from Titford, Hants, pleaded guilty to criminal damage at Godalming Magistrates' Court and was ordered to pay £868 in repairs and £85 in costs.
Defending himself, he told the court: ''I am sorry for what I has done.''
Linda Getstrap, prosecuting, revealed that Mr. Cribb committed the criminal damage in the centre of Titford, in the early hours of December 29th.
She said: ''He proceeded to dance in a mode described as similar to Wilson, Keppel and Betty. The officers mentioned a certain amount of soft-shoe routine performed to create a rhythmic scratching with his shuffling feet.
''Officers weren't impressed or entertained and they arrested him. Officers said they failed to see what was so funny that caused the defendant to laugh throughout the interview process.''


Scrobs... said...

Somehow, even at this unearthly hour, the name 'Linda Getsrap' is causing some interesting bodily reverberations...

Of course, the policeman wouldn't be finding this funny at the time, but the three hours he took filling in forms were spent in a much warmer, and comfortable place, according to our overpaid man of Straw!

T. P. Fuller said...

Dear old friend,

Owing to the removal of asbestos from the police house in Titford, I believe P.C. Hindhorst and W.P.C. Goodbit are having to rough it in a 1957 Globe caravan parked up by the side of the road. I also hear that they are wholly dependent on a borrowed primus heater to keep them warm.
One imagines that even the Secretary of State for Justice and Lord High Chancellor of Great Britain might feel a little compassion.

Nick Drew said...

It is my understanding that an unwanted Nissan Dorma, in excellent condition, might shortly be available on ebay, one scouse owner, never raced or rallied.

The constabulary could do worse than invest a few £££ and replace the Globe with this.

T. P. Fuller said...

Ah the Nissan Dorma! One hears an awful lot from the likes of Jeremy Clarkson about the tremendous engine note of a Ferrari or a Lamborghini, but give me that wonderful sustained A4 of the Nissan everytime.

Scrobs... said...

As long as we can avoid any references to a Wayfarer Deluxe, then this village is bound to prosper...

As the current trend for people to sleep in their cars is predominately centred on the A3, do you think that we could organise a soup kitchen, or other emergency respite service to these new-age travellers?

T. P. Fuller said...

P.C. Hindhorst has issued a severe weather warning for East Effscott with predictions of a possible 18inches of snow overnight.
Late this morning the he warned it was 78 per cent certain that very heavy snowfall was expected in Hampshire between 8pm tonight and 11am tomorrow.
Warning people to “Watch it”, he stated: “A period of exceptionally heavy snowfall is expected with accumulations of 10 to 14 inches and perhaps in excess of 18 inches.
P.C. Hindhorst said that this is the worst weather that he and W.P.C. Goodbit have had to deal with in twenty years.
W.P.C. Goodbit is used to dealing with up to eight inches from her time in the Scottish borders, but over Christmas she has regularly awoke to at least twelve inches, something she hasn’t seen personally since she was first on the force.
P.C. Hindhorst said today, “This snow is predicted to cause widespread disruption to the busses and could lead to problems with shopping and the like.”
P.C. Hindhorst’s forecasts come after Effscott Fitzgerald was gridlocked because of snow on December 21, with 5 cars stranded on Hornbuckle Lane and people stuck up to 3 miles from home.
P.C. Hindhorst is due to open his adverse weather office in the Globe caravan, parked by the side of the road outside the police house, at 2pm tomorrow afternoon to issue leaflets on weather and road conditions.
He is advising villagers to stay tuned to the media for the latest information from the emergency services and local councillors.
If a trip out is impossible to avoid, travellers are being advised to make sure they take an old blanket, food, water, boots and a torch and spade.
They should let someone know their intended route and expected arrival time.
People are being advised to prepare an emergency pack in case they are snowed in or have to be evacuated.

This should include:

*A torch with spare batteries
*a wind-up or battery-powered radio
*a fully charged mobile phone
*warm clothing and blankets
*a first aid kit and prescription medication
*bottled water and non-perishable food for people and any pets
*a list of important contact numbers.
*to write their name on their forehead in marker pen.

Doris W-B said...

Dear Mr Fuller,

By all means call round for the keys to the Long wheelbase whenever you like!

It has chains on three tyres, the fourth of the set somehow vanished in the Bell Ringing saga of three years ago, and Miss Nuggett has still to return same!

I'm off to reinforce Mannerings' long johns to increase his circulation and also his comfort zone!

Toodle pip!

Doris x

Webley-Bullock said...

Dear Thomas,

Just to let you know that I've written to Toniatelline to get the fourth chain back!

I only hope she can read the letter, but we can live in hope!

Yours indescibably chillily,


Dr Edward Mayhap Cuddler said...

While agreeing that we should all take precautions against the waether I feel I must point out that writing your name on your forehead in marker pen should be done with the use of an indelible marker as a water based ink may dissolve in the snow and leave you incognitus should you require assistance from the emergency services. Please do not make their wotk any more difficult than it need be. The simple expedient of using an indelible marker will prevent you from looking like a right bloody fool.

Cuddler said...

Forgive my spelling, I can feel the cold in my fingers and have run out of warming tinctures.

Scrobs... said...

Dear Doctor,

This is good news to learn that you are back on your rounds after all that time looking after the Dowager in the house on the hill.

I have placed an order for three dozen indelible marker pens to be distributed among the inane and confused of the parish, and only hope that no passing film director will mistake them for extras in 'The Boys from Brazil'.

I'm sorry to hear that your investigating finger is suffering, but in this weather, I suspect that it is for the best!

With kind regards,

Simeon Cardinal Roberto O'Blene.
Holy Man of this Parish

Oliver Gosling said...

Mr. Cuddler,

You may be suffering from repetitive stress; I suggest pointing with the other finger.

T. P. Fuller said...

Doris, I hope this cold isn’t bringing on your old Reynaud’s Nipple? I’ll pass up the offer of the Long wheelbase if you don’t mind; all those different gear sticks, red knobs, yellow knobs, the freewheeling differential or no… I just see disaster. So long as I stick to the ruts my mother’s old Krause Picollo Trumpf serves most adequately, it might be fifty years old but it was a quality build and will no doubt see me out.

Dear Cuddler. You might have a touch of the tremors, but I understand from my sister that you are a big hit at the well woman clinic.

Anonymous said...

amazing stuff thanx :)