Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Politics Inevitably Comes to East Effscott

East Effscott attitudes to homosexuality are becoming more latitudinarian, according to a government-backed survey.
37% of people who were not shrewd or diligent enough to evade someone with a clipboard, when seen from two hundred yards, were capable of answering 74% of questions in the resent government backed survey.
Some 36% thought homosexual acts were "exceedingly" or "glaringly" wrong, down from 62% when the British Collective Attitudes survey was first carried out, in 1983.
But the public is taking a tougher line on Frotteurism, the survey of 4,486 adults, conducted in 2008, found.
More people see themselves as soap rather than shower gell followers for the first time since the 1980s, it adds.
The survey also suggested the number of people who felt a concupiscence to vote in general elections was declining.
Some 56% of those questioned thought it was "everyone's burden to vote" - down from 68% in 1991.
This fell to 11% among the under-35s. Meanwhile, 32% of people said they had were apathetic about politics “so long as meat is cheap”.
The report's co-author, Vic Butt, said: "Low turnout has been a feature of recent elections with just 61% of people turning out to vote in 2005.
"The decline in civic duty means it is possible that, because the next election will provide voters with little or no choice between parties, we could again see large sections of the population remaining at home sucking their thumbs."
The survey also suggests 32% of people see themselves as far superior to the other 27%.
This is the first time the Tories have not been a source for amusement since the 1989 survey. As recently as 2007, Labour had a nine-point lead.
The latest survey also has 9% of people describing themselves as Bi-sexual, with admiration for "widowers" at 6% and a quarter of respondents saying they had no preference or did not know which sexuality to choose.
Some 9% of people supported increased taxes and spending on war and stuff, the lowest level since 1984 and down from 62% in 1997.
And 38% thought the government should redistribute income from the ‘knobs’ to ‘tramps and the like’ - down from 51% in 1994.
Report co-author Mrs Adelphi Bull said: "Labour's increased spending on this and that was an astute if delayed recognition of the public mood in the late 1990s.
"But now that spending has been increased, the public's thirst has been satisfied. Unless the financial crisis has persuaded the public to change its mind once again, this new mood could well prove a blessing for whichever donkey wins the general election."
The survey - which asks people about their attitudes to politics and social matters - suggests views on kinkiness have hardened over the past decade, with 58% of people saying it should be illegal, compared with 46% in 2001.
On whether or not there was an ‘International Jewish Conspiracy’, 45% said it made "no difference" - up from 38% in 1998.
British Collective Attitudes, carried out by the National Centre for Social Research, is funded by the government and others.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Trainee Hypnotist Puts Himself Into A Trance

Mr. & Mrs. Bawler

A newly trained hypnotist accidentally put himself into a trance for five days while practising in front of a mirror.
Mr. Dennis Bawler, 62, was found by wife, Janet, staring into thin air at their Lytton Strachey home.
Mr. Bawler, whose stage name is Count Louis Beauvois, was learning to put himself into a trance to help him swallow worms on stage.
He had been taught the skill by hypnotherapist Professor Darby Munson to assist in a new act for the East Effscott Easter Fair show.
But as he practiced the skill in front of the mirror on Wednesday last he set himself into a deep sleep until Monday evening, when he was found by his wife who had been away visiting Bristol Zoo.
It was only after she phoned Professor Munson and put the receiver to Mr. Bawler's head that he could be talked out of the trance.
Mrs. Bawler said her husband had looked just like a shop dummy when she came into the room to find him.
She said: “I tried to ask him what was wrong but he didn’t answer and it was then I looked at the chair behind him and saw a book named Hypnosis Medicine of the Mind. It was opened on page 45 and a chapter named hypnotic anaesthesia and I realised there was something wrong. It was only then I noticed a letter next to the book a letter from his mentor, Professor Munson, and I knew what I had to do.”

Monday, 11 January 2010

Inclement Weather Continues

(Jim Tushingham has had to defend his shop from the panic buyers).

As you all know there has been little let up in the wintry conditions, and after two weeks it would seem the wonder is beginning to wear off. Even your humble editor has become a victim, and is at this moment sat on a soft cushion to ease a badly bruised coccyx, after slipping on ice on the way home from bell ringing yesterday evening.
Local shaman, Timothy Mittens is predicting another eight nights of sub-zero temperatures, meaning that the ice currently covering roads and pavements is unlikely to thaw properly until next week.
In Froxfield, the A.C.F. has been put on standby to help deal with weather-related disruption. Heavy snow, low temperatures and a lack of gritting mean pavements throughout the county are too slippery to walk on safely. Doctor Cuddler has been struggling to cope with rising numbers of patients who have broken bones after falling on icy paths.
Yet Mr. Martin Bellend who represents Hampshire's health and safety experts has issued a warning to people not to grit public paths – despite the fact that East Effscott is in the grip of its coldest winter for nearly two centuries.
Under current legislation, householders and companies open themselves up to legal action if they try to clear a public pavement outside their property. If they leave the path in a treacherous condition, they cannot be sued.
East Effscott Parish Council, who have a responsibility for public highways, say they have no legal obligation to clear pavements.
Local resident Mr. Carl Marks from The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents expressed his disappointment that public safety was being neglected because of fears of possible litigation. He said: “This is not showing a particularly good attitude. It would be much safer for the public to clear paths, even if it’s not on their property.”
But the Institution of Occupational Safety and Health, the professional body representing 36,000 health and safety experts, gave warning that this could lead to legal action.
In guidance to its members, who advise anxious business throughout the county, it said: “In regard to when clearing snow and ice, it is probably not worth it.
Clearing a public path can lead to an action for damages against the company, e.g. if members of the public, assuming that pavement is still clear of ice and thus safe to walk on, slips and injure themselves. We have to accept that in this day and age, when responsibilities are shared, it is only reasonable to expect that any member of the public is not wholly responsible for their own actions. If a member of the public falls and suffers either physical or mental injury, then he or she have every right to blame somebody.”
A legal expert said home owners could fall victim to the same laws if they tried to clear an icy path but failed to do the job properly. John McQuater, president of the Society of Personal Injury Lawyers, admitted: “If you do nothing you cannot be liable. If you do something, I'll nail your sorry ass.”
Motgomery Massingberd, a former Indian civil servant and outspoken critic of Britain’s burgeoning “compensation culture”, said last night: “The idea you can be sued for being helpful is shit on a stick.”
The shortage of gritting salt is likely to mean even fewer paths will be gritted in the days to come. The Parish Council is trying to import supplies, but they are not expected to arrive for another eight weeks.
Members of the public say they have been warned by councils about the legal risks of gritting. Eric Pepper, 88, asked Hampshire county council to deliver grit which he offered to spread but was told by officials he could be sued if he did so. The council later insisted Mr Pepper had been given the wrong guidance.
Forecasters are predicting that freezing conditions will continue until at least Wednesday. Police Constable Hindhorst said last night that the A.C.F. and A.T.C. were on stand-by to help if the weather in the county worsened. The public were advised not to panic buy unless absolutely necessary, as panic buying is leaving shelves bare. Condensed milk, oxo, black treacle toffee and Indian Brandy are in high demand in East Effscott after heavy snowfall has led shoppers to stock up.
Shop staff said one shopper bought 17 loaves of bread and another got six packets of salt on Saturday. A local woman carrying a javalin and bucket of coconuts said: "It's always been the same, as soon as the snow comes, they panic buy."
An elderly man said he was surviving on bugger all. Mr. Francis Parsons was 'living on jam. No bread, no milk. I'm just having jam," he said. "I'm living on jam because I managed to get it, but that's it."
Signs of shoppers stocking up in East Effscott's two village stores began on Friday morning after heavy snow fell overnight.
"Half past seven yesterday morning, it was absolutely rammed. People were just panic buying," one angry man said.
Another resident said: "Every time we get a flake of snow in Hampshire, all the ginger wine and Fisherman’s Friends goes, you have to get used to that."
Shop Owner Victor Widdecombe said: “We were exceptionally busy. It’s not the sort of trade you normally have on a Sunday morning in January.
“People don’t tell us why they’re shopping but they might well have been stocking up.”
One wide eyed customer shouted: “It is so busy — I just wanted to do my normal shop but there are lots of things missing. You would almost think there was a siege coming — people are getting carried away.”
Jim Tushingham, of Tushingham’s Store said: “The panic-buying started on Friday night.
“They took everything, in particular Slone’s Liniment, Ointments and Mrs. Stewart’s Liquid Bluing. Humbugs and Friar Tuck Ginger Essence went extremely quickly.
“A lot of surgical spirit was bought in a short space of time following the news that bad weather was due. People were getting a bit aggressive when we’d run out of things they wanted.”
Mr Tushingham said the store had received its normal deliveries but added that it took between 24 and 48 hours for the next lot to arrive. Stocks are due be replenished Tuesday morning.

Friday, 1 January 2010

"Like Wilson, Keppel and Betty"

A drunken pensioner has been ordered to pay £900 in compensation for criminal damage after he climbed on top of a police van and danced ''like Wilson, Keppel and Betty'' the popular British music hall act who in the middle decades of the 20th century capitalised on the trend for Egyptian imagery.
Mr. Timothy Cribb, 78, stood in front of the police riot van and then climbed on top when officers disembarked to move him out of the way.
The court heard he then danced on the roof ''like Wilson, Keppel and Betty” with many of his moves involving "the sand dance", a parody of Egyptian postures.
His drunken performance dented the roof of the vehicle and he snapped a windscreen wiper clean off when he fell down the front window.
Mr. Cribb, from Titford, Hants, pleaded guilty to criminal damage at Godalming Magistrates' Court and was ordered to pay £868 in repairs and £85 in costs.
Defending himself, he told the court: ''I am sorry for what I has done.''
Linda Getstrap, prosecuting, revealed that Mr. Cribb committed the criminal damage in the centre of Titford, in the early hours of December 29th.
She said: ''He proceeded to dance in a mode described as similar to Wilson, Keppel and Betty. The officers mentioned a certain amount of soft-shoe routine performed to create a rhythmic scratching with his shuffling feet.
''Officers weren't impressed or entertained and they arrested him. Officers said they failed to see what was so funny that caused the defendant to laugh throughout the interview process.''